Well listen chief - never again do i want the scenario of going to the ER totally naked and partially drunk to b a possibility.
Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
I think I've done enough damage with my vagina as of late, thank you
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
Randomize
