i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
he climbed up to our party on the 2nd floor balcony and then pulled a glass mug and a beer from his knapsack. these freshmen are intense
there were like 150 questions AFTER the application. you'd think for a store that has dick molding kits it'd be a joke
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
This pedicure right now is the most physical I've been with a guy all month
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
Randomize
