So at what point do I tell her that I like fucking these hot southern girls more than I like my relationship with her?
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
first one here with a pint of chicken lo mein, aspirin, and diet green tea ginger ale, gets a full effort bj the day after tomorrow.
Just to an Octoberfest and a sex party. Nothing wild.
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
I woke up completely naked with the exception of my leg warmers. Last night must have been interesting.
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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