i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
I need like a "Cookong High for Idiots" book. Or a car.
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
tell me about the eggs
Randomize
