Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
The girl here has a popped collar. Can I slap her?
Yes. For all mankind please do.
Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
I looked him in the face and asked if we could stop. he asked why. I said "I can't feel it.". ...I feel bad; I should have faked.
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
Well she just asked a sorority girl if she should fuck her floor mate so it's basically like the blind leading the blind
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
Randomize
