Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
My lecture teach is passed out next to me. I think I'm doing pretty good for a freshman.
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
fuck that its my house. if i want to take 1 bite out of the chicken & leave the rest i fucking will. suck my dick
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
Drunk is not a location!
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
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