We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
No one with a hairstyle like that is allowed to insult anyone for anything
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
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