I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
Just put my hand under my pillow and found a peach ring. Lat night just came rushing back.
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
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