I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
I lost of the blow last night. Found it later in my bag labeled Fairy Dust.
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
Randomize
