If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
come over
yeah sure
wait who is this again? my contacts got deleted...but tell me and ill be there in 10
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
Its ok. I handled the situation with grace and class. lol jk i got shitfaced and fucked his roomate.
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
Word. I want it involving like... sing-a-longs and sniffing glue.
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