you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
Yessssssssss. I got taped to a couch last night apparently. I also thought i was close to scoring after talking to some chick about hard boiled eggs
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
found out that hot proper business chick in my class A) did a bar crawl last 2 night and still showed up to class and B) is 19 and C) so not as proper as I thought D) is single. How the fuck does that work? Freaking superwoman.
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
I was picked up from his hotel room at 5 a.m. and came home with my panties and jäger in a McDonald's bag so the desk attendant wouldn't judge me. This is what single at 25 is about.
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
sex on a trampoline, in the rain, on ecstasy, just thought you should know.
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
Randomize
