Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
On a positive note, new entry in my phone as 'HOT ASS, DOWN TO FUCK'. idk if its a boy or girl tho.
Update, its a couple
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
Heard in class today that they replaced our carpet in last years apartment because they couldn't get the smell out, dude we smoked way to much pot last year.
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
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