If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
You could give me a blowjob later? :)
I meant do something romantic..
Blowjob In the moonlight?
Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
Chugged a beer while being walked to the bathroom by campus police to pour the beers out.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
Senior week was like trying to herd cats. Very drunk cats.
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
Randomize
