My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
Also this guy in my contact as hairy jerry sent me a pic of him shirtless and said I miss you and I have no idea who he is /when or if I met him but that's not normal?!
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
you started putting peanut butter on your pubes.
Randomize
