the only thing i knew about you is that u dated jordan and were potentially interested in a threesome
we didnt fuck last night. again. seriously, his place is like where dreams go to die.
There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
there were no ball for pong so he bought cat toys..... they had bells in them
This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
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