I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
someone to text and fuck? since when does that constitute a relationship?
since 2006
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
The problem with drugs is that there's none in this hotel
The problem with drugs is that showing my boobs only gets so much of them
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
Yeah i like want to be friends with him. And if we have sex in the physics library well thats fine with me
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
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