no but I have been chillin' like em' homeboys in the rainforest yo!
Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
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New handbag passed the ultimate test. The walk of shame. I had a bra, tights, skirt, shirt & sweater in it and you couldn't tell. yessss.
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
Its only fair we share our golden vaginas with the world. It would be selfish if we didn't.
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
Well for number 40 i would prefer to at least like the guy attached to the dick
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The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
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