How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
He quoted an N'sync song to confess his attraction to me. Needless to say, I had sex with him.
i don't know how to normally transition into sexual activities without being drunk...
im sorry but my first introduction to your dick isn't going to be a pic sent from the men's room
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
no one could get around him on the stairs cause he surrounded himself with all the empties he could find, he said he was building a fort. then he passed out on them.
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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