just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
Thats the last thing I remember and then I woke up in this Dutch kids dorm and he was taking a picture of me while I was sleeping
THERE IS THE SEXIEST BEARDED MAN HERE. I CAME EVERYWHERE.
We had sex in the tent after his 6th beer and while we were at it we had conversations with the people outside the tent.
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
We're using joints as your birthday candles
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
Randomize
