i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
sorry about last night, I don't know what happened but I woke up this morning and looked strikingly similar to courtney love, it had to be bad.
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
I reached in my backpack to pull out my laptop. I found my bottle of Jack and 2 bottles of Coke. It's going to be a good class.
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
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