Soap is not a condiment
Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
My gaydar just like overheated and exploded watching the male figure skaters on the olympics
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
The countdown is at hand. We are 15 days from so much Jameson that names will be forgotten. Prepare your liver now or severe projectile vomiting will be the theme of the night.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
Use "feeling words"
Yay
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
It's barely past noon, how am I already talking about double penetration
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
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