when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
Following a car with a GPS. We don't know where he's going, but he probably has a better idea of where we're going than we do. Also, very high.
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
If I knew the person sucking my dick didn't say thank you for their Christmas presents I wouldn't be able to cum.
Randomize
