I'm playing the sound guy on a porno set
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
Did i mention i'm like the equivilent of a prepubescent boy suffering from preejaculacy? I just about creamed my pants when he grabbed my hand..
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
we could do so many fantastic illegal things together. sexually and otherwise.
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
operation Bang Australian Boy = oh so successful
Randomize
