I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
We were walking home when he passed out, we left him. Just got a call from him, hes in a jail in Canada.
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
How many layers of skin can you loose before it becomes bad?
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
Want to sleep. Also want to see Alex on MDMA doing really stupid shit. Choices...
Randomize
