During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
I'm being an old woman and getting trashed in a night gown in public...of course it's going to be fun
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
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