what made you think it was a good idea to trust the girl that hides tequila in her backpack?
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
Randomize
