I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
It was awful. Mid hookup he started reading the titles of the books over my bed, which were about Russian imperial history. He then started asking me questions about the class I was reading the books for. I was like "WE HAVE TIME FOR THAT LATER, PLEASE CONTINUE."
Archery is over so let's go back to not giving a fuck for the next 3 years and 11 months
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
Ahha guy saw me buying beer, went "hmmmmm" and nodded his head approvingly. No words exchanged, but he has made his way to my heart haha
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