the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
He said he cried as he watched porn yesterday; I'd say he's taking the break-up pretty bad....
I was so fucked up last night that I peed on his FATHER'S BED and fell asleep there. and yes. his father was asleep in the bed
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
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