My nipple is on Facebook.
I'm going to jail i love you
Full bush! Can't stay! Need ride! Come on bro!
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
It's official! Naked girl is back and making stir fry. Still not sure she realizes we can see her whole apartment from our balcony. Cheap beer and a show.
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
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