did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
The freshman next to me just said "I was rocking out on my way here to Dave Matthews..." I wish I would have passed this class the first time.
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
130 PACKAGES of glow sticks! The going rate of a rave is $38.30! GET READY FOR THE GLORGY!!!!!!!!!!!!
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
dude im trying to eat his ass so can you stop for 10 minutes
Randomize
