I may not go down in history, but i will definitely go down on your little sister.
if it were possible I'd exchange my vagina for a diff one on the black market.
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
I just ran into mom and dad day drinking at the bar while I skipped class and was day drinking at the same bar.
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
BTW he text me to text him later after the concert to hang out. Im prepping my bed but I should know I shouldn't count my dicks before they hatch
I'm glad I can share my workout progress with you via my nudes
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
We smell like vodka and hangover
Randomize
