i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
Well I don't think you could recreate that hangover if you tried. It was like the perfect storm of hangovers.
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
you puked in the bathtub and said "let them pee"
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
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