I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
I had sex on an exercise ball. The inevitable has occurred.
I think theres a high possibility i could be flammable.
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
I could be busy drinking my face off and getting red white and bruised per usual
The bros used their bong water as pong water but I walked in mid game and didn't know so they hit our first cup and I chugged it.
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
I am going to go back to drinking and listneing to Hanson now. Maybe crying. Or perhaps Full House reruns
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
Yea she is hot. But she also had no toothpaste in her entire apartment.
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Randomize
