I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
craigslist faux pas number 857, just got head in a disability bus.
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
he found my favorite bra, 3 thongs and a pair of jeans and gave them back. i love move out day.
That doesn't help it make any more sense. Because now you've brought pinata condoms into this.
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
i asked her if she was sure that she was ready to do it and she replied with "come at me bro"
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