I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
No, I don't just love you because you have big boobs. I just wouldn't visit as often.
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
Watched twin sisters make out thought it was amazing sick on their part but legit to watch
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going
I met his parents. We played twister. My boob popped out.
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
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