So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
Pregnant stripper...not hot.
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
They both just did a shot, head butted each other, did another shot and then slapped each other in the face. These could be the two guys we've been looking for all our lives
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
Is YOLO really just a socially acceptable way to say you enjoy putting things up your nose?
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
After a while I was so wet that I started crying. HE MADE ME SO HORNY I WEPT.
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
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