Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
Our conversation concluded a weekly schedule of casual sex in between classes.
I just came so hard my hamstring felt like it was going to tear. I am also now a screamer
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
The air taste purple.
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
Randomize
