Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
Are we playing "how much awkwardness can we fit in the final 29 hours of 2011"?
yes yes we are. Go do something with super glue. i don't want to win.
theres too many punctuation errors in that text to turn me on.
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
Possibly having a threesome with my ex boyfriend and his current girlfriend was great closure on that subject
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
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