You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
I have an excuse to be a whore in Mexico. I'm conducting an experiment to see if small dicks are caused by the poor drinking water.
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
Randomize
