I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
Honestly, I don't care whether it was a guy or a girl. Best blowjob ever.
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
Security said no more parties of this kind. To me that translates to Theme party this weekend.
Typcal friday morning so far. Puke, shower, commute/puke, coffee, puke, coffee, bagel, good to go. Lunch today?
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
He seems to have a lot of things figured out and most of the answers involve bourbon
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Randomize
