So... how did lowering your standards work out last night?
i dont know what it was but it was definately NOT a vagina
I enjoyed our heart to heart in the trunk on the way to the stripclub
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
You are the only lesbian I know that needs plan b
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
Randomize
