If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
Fucking freshmen need to learn how to puke in the bushes outside the dorm and not in the fucking elevator.
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
it was like a shit fog rolling out of the east to encompass me and have it's way with me
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
Also bring a pizza or no entry to my vagina OR the fort.
Cheese only
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
It's so weird fucking this kids aunt then going to the gym with him everyday, but my sick minded self loves it.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
