for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
Randomize
