So it's 10:55am and I just woke up on the floor in the hallway on the4th floor. There should probably be no moredrinking competetions.
So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
he said he "kind of had sex before.. Barely" i think it was one of those situations where you slide into home and get tagged out.
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
Probably shouldn't have worn my jeans covered in blood from last night to class.
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
Randomize
