i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
I need Christmas break to be over. I'm tired of fucking my old High School girlfriends
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
Dude respond to my evite. You're either coming to the orgy or not.
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
How bad was it?
Stopped drinking Sunday, hungover on Tuesday bad.
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
I opened the bathroom door and the starting point gaurd was eating out my art history professor
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