I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
He insisted on sleeping in my bed. Had he taken all of my obvious hints I would have sucked his dick. He only wanted to snuggle. My world has been turned upside down.
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
Dude. That is just waaaay to much random to process after that tequila battle.
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
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