i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
so now that im really awake i see that my underwear are completely ripped down the side, my shorts are on backwards, i have to go get plan b....i call last night an epic fail or success depending on how catholic i am feeling
I got so high last night I started crying because i couldn't stop thinking about how scary space is
I'm bringing poparts in case anyone gets hungry. The trek to frat row is strenuous.
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
is there any kind of "im boning my neighbor and he happens to be a manager at walmart" discount that our new relationship entitles me to??
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
Well, if I'm gonna go gay, it's gonna be for NPH
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
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