just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
I'm still working on figuring out my birthday blowjob schedule. I'd love to just have all three of them get in there but I get the feeling they wouldn't like that.
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
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