What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
Fried chicken is a must. Do strippers eat fried chicken or should I plan on something else?
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
come over we're fb stalking guys who were dressed as bananas last night because i can't remember which one i blew
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
He did a backflip because drugs
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
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