I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
Stop trying to talk to my friends!!
then get some ugly ones...
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
Somewhere along the night we ended up at a food lion giving jello shots to high school girls.
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
Is it completely inappropriate to base my morning after pill purchase on if they sell coffee or not?
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
Randomize
