As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
I just made a 90's Nickelodeon TV theme song power hour mix...I don't want to build it up but your head might explode
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
Might just stay in and drink cuz of the hurricane. Yea I think Wisconsin might be safe but its a good reason to drink.
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
I'd say you were a shitshow. Playing floating beer pong in the pool you kept filling other people's cups with pool water and laughing to yourself.
I puked in a solo cup and then offered it to him. So yeah, it was a rough night.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
You climbed out your own window and walked in the front door..
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
Randomize
