I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
I could tell by the way he was holding my hand that he really liked you
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
Dad's teaching me to make moonshine this weekend as "college prep". How scared should I be sis?
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
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