U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
I have blocked the memory from my mind. He is just a fuzzy cloud floating with my other bad decisions..
We lost Kevin again. Probably kidnapped by fattie 2 or butter-face 2 from last night. We need names and any information you can give us. Last scene with his shoe laces converted into a belt.
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
Randomize
